Friday Funny #19

July 3, 2009

These were ALL too good to pass up, so I’m posting every one, courtesy of my wild Texas buddy, Bethann 🙂

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” I sighed. “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says my wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And that’s when the fight started…..

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One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

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My wife walked into the den and asked “What’s on the TV?”

I replied “Dust”.

And that’s how the fight started…..

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A woman is looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

And that’s how the fight started…..

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a scale.

And that’s how the fight started…..

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…..

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started…..

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And that’s when the fight started…..

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…..

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