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Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked.

“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup,” replied the drunk.

“How’s it work?” the second guest asked, squinting at it.

“Watch,” the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,”You friggin’ IDIOT!…it’s ten past three in the morning!”

Continue reading »]]> Ask and you shall receive! The response was overwhelming on FaceBook yesterday, when I shared the official McKay brand – I had requests for T-shirts, computer skins, phone covers with this logo…so I updated the Lorelei James Cafe Press store with this new design on several items – check it out:

Lorelei James Merchandise at Cafe Press

Yes, I did order a few things for myself and I’ll be giving some items away during the REDNECK ROMEO countdown – so stay tuned for that! Also, I have temporary McKay brand tattoos on order – if you see me either at RAGT13 or RomCon or Readers’ N’ Ritas – I will have some with me. I’ll also make the temp tat available for those who want to send me a self-addressed stamped envelope – but PLEASE wait until I post the details, okay? Which will be soon, I promise.

Bear in mind I’ve NOT seen any of this Cafe Press merchandise with the new logo so I have no idea if the pictures are representative of what the finished product looks like, so let the buyer beware…

Here’s another peek at the logo for those of you who don’t have FB – the fab Meredith at Author’s Angels helped me with the design, after input from Mr. James, and my go to gals — Dawn and Bama-Kim –

Also, if there’s something on the Cafe Press site – like T-shirts in a different size that you would like me to make available, please drop me an email with the specific link to the item and I’ll see what I can do

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The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her,his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire.With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender,often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam.She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought,”It’s too big!…..it will never fit!” Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn’t be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more.She would want to do it again and again and again.

Because she loves shopping for shoes….

Continue reading »]]> After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, “You are in fine shape for your age. But tell me, do you still have intercourse?”

“Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: “Henry, do we still have intercourse?”

And there was a hush…You could hear a pin drop.

He answered impatiently, “If I told you once, Margene, I told you a hundred times… What we have is…Blue Cross!”

Continue reading »]]> An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy’s hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.

Finally the boy said, “What’s the matter, old man, haven’t you ever done anything wild in your life?”

The old man thought for a while and answered, “Well yes actually, I have, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”